A word on compassion

All the world's religions talk about compassion. We usually think of compassion as altruistic action: donating money to a charity, proudly brandishing a "find the cure" ribbon on the car, maybe volunteering once a week at a soup kitchen. We're told that good people are selfless people. As a privileged, self-indulgent, generally lazy American, I've often been puzzled at my own disinterest in participating in any of these kinds of activities. Shouldn't I be absolving my guilt somehow, finding a way to cope with the crushing sense of shame that comes with being born in the richest country in the world, full of luxury and unearned advantages? I mean, I don't even usually give bums money on the street. Am I too self-absorbed to give a damn about the poverty and injustice that plagues so much of the world? The short answer is yes.

Let's take a closer look at compassion. Many people, when asked why they volunteer or protest or whatever else, will say that it makes them feel that they are doing good. It makes them feel good. About themselves. Whether it is liberal guilt or compassion for compassion's sake that serves as motivation, these actions are sometimes nothing more than self-absorption cloaked in the cherished idea of "selflessness." And the more defensive you get about that assertion, brash as it may seem, the more likely it is that it hits home.

But what's so wrong with being self-centered?

Okay, so arrogance and self-absorption in others irritate us. But the kind of self-centeredness, more rightfully called self-orientedness, I'm talking about actually intimately relates to the virtue of compassion. Traditionally, ego and compassion are like the two relatives who can't be in a room together without arguing. They just don't get along. But in order to be compassionate, we have to pay attention to ourselves first.

Meditation opens up the portal of self-awareness; when perfected, the technique draws the curtain on all our ego's machinations and brings them into full light. We become acutely aware of moods and their influence instead of being ruled by them. Instead of hitching onto a thought like a runaway on a train, we take a step back and simply observe it passing like a cloud in the sky. The goal of meditation is observation without judgment, and because we get to know ourselves better in the process, it is the first step to becoming compassionate.

I remember when I first started meditating, what I found disturbed and shocked me. Did I really talk to myself that way?! It was almost comical, witnessing how I would berate myself for petty things like spending money on shoes instead of saving it, for eating that extra slice of pizza, for smoking a whole pack of cigarettes in a day. Life is full of "shoulds" and "shouldn'ts," and humans are pretty good at generating a whole lot of useless guilt over not adhering to their own personal code of "goodness." Whether it's our diets, our relationships, or our productivity, we just don't do enough, we don't measure up. We are not good enough. Everyone has felt self-loathing at some point in their lives, and for many of us, it eats away at us in subtle ways. Why did I just snap at my mom? I can't believe I'm feeling jealous over that girl that works with my boyfriend. I should strive to be better. This familiar dialogue runs unsolicited through our heads, taking on different disguises, but underneath lies the same demon: self-criticism.

And that demon is an ugly one. The cliche that you can't love others before you love yourself is the truth. We all have skeletons in our closets, and unless we air them out, they're going to rot away and make everything stink. But once you look them in the face, you realize they're not so hideous after all. When we talk about our jealousy, our indulgence of choice, or our guilt with others, that commiseration brings love. We don't think of our friends as terrible people for occasionally screwing up, so shouldn't we go a little easier on ourselves? I should add in as a caveat here to not let self-criticism become just another demon to exorcise: it's okay that you feel it. When we meditate, we don't seek to detach from or escape emotions, as some common misinterpretations lead you to believe. Feel its wrath completely and fully, and let yourself know it's okay to make mistakes. And it's okay to torture yourself for it afterwards, too. Try to see the humor in the absurdity of the whole process.

Ultimately, when we cultivate this undiscriminating acceptance in ourselves, it lends itself effortlessly to compassion for others. When we allow ourselves the space we need to air out all of the parts of ourselves we loathe, instead of repressing and covering up, it naturally follows that we become more empathetic individuals. Kindness to ourselves breeds kindness for others.

So if you're an activist or a volunteer or a "do-gooder," it's not that I'm dismissing you as an egotist. I don't think we should all become hermits and do nothing but meditate and become enlightened before real change can take place. Miracles happen all the time, and altruism has achieved some great things in the world. But let's not forget ourselves, fragile and delicate and absurd as we are, along the way.

"Love your neighbor as yourself."
-J-dawg